RIP

My intentions were to try and make lotsa $$$$ here by posting inflammatory words, but I gave up on that. Still welcome to send d'argent my way though, don't worry.

So I'm re-reading a series I enjoyed as a child, partly to meet my fifty book goal this year, and also somewhat consciously trying to get back what I have lost, wisdom-wise. As naive as I might have been, I feel like I have lost whatever clarity, stability I had then. Things were much simpler then and with one sign, I knew what was to happen. What I asked for, came, though in deceptively ordinary packages. More importantly, I knew what to ask for, and let the rest tumble down. Much more mutable then. I could count the lights that grew, the smiles that blossomed every night.

Call it innocence.

Situations changed. I kept things, but I didn't see the point in holding it all in. Every day, it seemed, I met a new person, someone who blew my mind. They came for help, or even to cause harm. It didn't matter. At the end, it was all the same. Laughing and crying, I spent most of my time on the phone, trying to salvage what I could of someone's life. Sometimes, a figure would just appear and I'd have to push everything aside to deal with whatever disaster that had been blazing.
Yet everything was limitless. Words I'd always wanted to hear would be shouted in the dark, just for me to dream and hold on to. Give me something to hold on to, that's all I desire.
In the midst of all this ebullient energy, I called to what I needed to see, unbeknownst to me. I fashioned ideas of betrayal and much like the book, two were separated into one. Fast-forward many whispers later, and I'm stronger and on the brink of closing. I remember lightning, I remember dancing, I remember you.
Betrayed, he stands to the side of me while I dream of my temptations, the ones that I disgust. I constantly apologize to him but the question still stands- How long can this continue?
I'm partly to blame for the whole mess. I trusted in coincidence and now it is feeding me its poison. I am sure that I will still visit him in my dreams but now that there is this aftertaste-this disease of the lust- we're considering a departure.
Maybe when she leaves it'll all be better; for the sky never looked so solemn as it did when the night rain faltered.
Yet I still have hope for our relationship.
Mais, it was not just words of a fellow, worries of a womb.

I could not decide between the two. Eyes closed, red blooming from the brown, white sundresses, I lived in peace. Pax. Eyes closed, cold air, violet lights and a tension removed.

I'll never know the way to go.

I am in a cold pool of longing and I am taking it well. Like the night that gave itself to no one, I am trusting in only myself. There is one who shall rip me from my vacation inside and I realize that he is my savior. The question is not why or how but how long will he be able to hold me from my sea. Or, the bigger question- what sea will I throw myself into next?

A purpose found me.
I watched him die. It keeps playing over and over again in my head. All I can think is no, no, no. I never thought that I'd go through this. I guess karma is true.
I know now who killed him. Who made him fall during the rain, our most precious gift. Who took my love away from me. I don't care what anyone says anymore, ca m'est egal. This is the end of purity; the end of holding it all in